Here is the thing, autism causes some weird reactions to shit, and some of those reactions are really severe. But I hate it when people refer to sensory overload/being overwhelmed and reacting in an extreme fashion as a “meltdown”. I am 45 years old, I don’t have meltdowns, that sounds too much like having a tantrum, and it also sounds like a choice.
What I have instead of meltdowns are times when I have to leave a room/party/social gathering/work/event and hide somewhere because I have reached a limit – and if I pushed that limit, that can lead to some weird behavior. In my case, covering my ears, rocking, putting a hoodie over my head, banging my fists on things, frantically “zooming” trying to find a way out, and yes flapping – sometimes in a spastic way and sometimes in a more violent air punching way – these are all things that you’d see. And some people DO end up screaming, smacking themselves in the head, blacking out, thrashing in a violent way – but I still think it is demeaning to call that a meltdown when you also say the same thing about a toddler who didn’t have his nap that day.
Because I am older, I am lucky enough to recognize signs before I get to the point of full blown crisis – and I am also lucky enough to have people who know me and THEY can see things building up. Not everyone has the luxury of an understanding and observant group of people around them. I always move my hands around, but there is a certain intensity to it when I am reaching The Point. When I cannot form words and start repeating one word, or one sound – big ass sign right there. And I definitely do not always catch The Signs on time to intervene to stop myself from having an extreme reaction, but it is pretty rare it gets that far.
Since I am an adult, and for most of my adult life I have worked in management positions, many people think I am being dramatic. They will see The Signs – a physical build up of frustration, issues talking – and they will push it because they think I am reacting childishly and that I just need to stop. That hasn’t happened in awhile, but when it did, I am shocked I didn’t get fired. I am also shocked that one person can see another person visibly in distress, whether they understand it or not, and keep pushing whatever issue is happening.
I still refuse to call those meltdowns, though. One time was so bad I got up, left a meeting, walked out the door and just drove away. I ended up in a city 30 minutes away before I stopped my escape and started to think more clearly. But – STILL NOT A MELTDOWN!
Working from home for over two years, and rarely leaving my house because of Covid, has made my ability to “mask” more difficult. When I go into the office now, it is significantly more difficult to maintain my normally cool exterior – I get much more physically frustrated and haven’t found a way to reassess and deal with that yet.
The last thing I will talk about is the opposite of a Not Meltdown – which I call The Freeze. Sometimes I get so overwhelmed, or my anxiety gets so bad, I cannot physically move. I have spent 48 hours frozen in my bed, unable to function. And no, it is not just for things I don’t want to do – in fact, it is usually things I REALLY want to do. I missed a photo op at a comic con once because I was experiencing The Freeze. I am well known for Darcying Out of things I want to attend (game nights, theater events).
When I was little, it was “my stomach hurts”. I didn’t know how else to say “I cannot function at this point in time”. As an adult, I tried to make excuses for a long time. Then I tried to explain to people what was happening. I have finally reached a point where people expect me to Darcy Out, and when I inevitably text them and say “I’m Darcying Out”, no one is shocked. Not in a bad way, but in an understanding way.
I just realized I did this to my prom date! WHY I had a prom date is another story, but I have always talked about doing this, and it never occurred to me that it was The Freeze! Everyone went to Cedar Point the day after prom and I was STUCK, I could NOT move. Texting and cell phones didn’t exist in those days, so I am not even sure what I did – I might have just not shown up.
My poor mom never understood it, and is only just starting to understand that it’s not a matter of “Just get up and do it”, and that it is not a choice I can just pep talk myself out of. She never knew what to do with me when this happened. Yell at me to get up and do the thing, sympathize and bribe me, threaten – none of it worked. Now I drive her nuts with “I can’t do that right now, but I will eventually”, but she is more accepting of it…usually!