I hate April 1st. I hate pranks, jokes, tricks, and basically, I hate for anyone to have fun.
I believe anything. ANYTHING. I am the easiest target for people, and I always have been, and as a result, I DREAD days that encourage people to lie.
My mother is the opposite. She thinks it is HILARIOUS to trick people and play jokes on them. She feels stifled by my Killer of Fun attitude, and resents my anxiety that causes her to have to behave.
One year on April 1st she called her friends at random and said “I’m here, where are you?” as if they were supposed to be meeting somewhere. It worked and she had a wonderful time torturing them while they tried to figure out where they were supposed to be, and cover for the fact that they didn’t know and try to play it off like they did.
She replaces sugar with salt.
She says random things to see if I will believe them…and I do, every single time.
She loves to tell jokes, but not like, “Knock knock, who’s there”, she likes to do the ones where you set it up like an actual story and it sounds true. Her favorite is “I was driving down our street yesterday, and I was almost home when out of nowhere this bird HIT MY WINDOW! Right into my window! I didn’t know what to do, I panicked and turned the windshield wipers on. The next thing I know there’s a cop behind me with his lights on. I wasn’t speeding, but he pulled me over. He came to the window, and I was looking for my license and insurance, and I was so flustered, and he asked me if I knew why he was pulling me over – I said no! I knew I wasn’t speeding. He said “I’m pulling you over because you flipped me the bird”.
That is it. That is the joke. She has told this joke a MILLION times to different people, including me. So I know the joke, right? I know when she is telling this story, it is a joke. It is obvious to everyone in the world that I am now aware of this joke and that it is a joke.
Here is what actually happens when she tries to tell that joke in my presence, to someone else:
Mo: I was driving down our street yesterday, and I was almost home when out of nowhere this bird HIT MY WINDOW! Right into my window! I didn’t know what to do, I panicked and…
Darcy: WAS THE BIRD OK?
Mo: Darcy, shut up, I’m talking.
Darcy: MOM WAS THE BIRD OK??? YOU CAN’T KEEP GOING IF THE BIRD WAS NOT OK, WAS HE OK?
(Darcy begins hopping and flapping, growing increasingly panicked and loud)
Mo: Darcy, I’m telling a story, shush.
Darcy: OH MY GOD THAT POOR BIRD, HE DIDN’T….oooooooh. Oh. (Darcy realizes it is The Joke)
Mo: So I panicked and turned on the windshield wipers….
Darcy: THIS IS A LIE. SHE IS LYING. THIS IS NOT A TRUE STORY.
Mo: Damn it, you ruined it.
Here is the alternate version that she tried in later years of The Telling of The Joke:
Before whatever event we are attending, I am warned that The Joke will be told.
Mo: Darcy, do you need to leave the room?
Darcy: No, why?
Mo: I thought you had to do something in the kitchen while I TELL THIS STORY.
Darcy: No, I don’t have anything in the kitchen.
Mo: You said that there was something you had to do, and I thought that WHILE I TELL MY STORY, now would be a good time to do it
Darcy: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT I DON’T HAVE ANYTHING IN THE…oooooooh. OHHHH! You are going to tell The Joke! I get it! She has this joke she tells and I always believe it and interrupt about the bird!
Mo: Damn it, you ruined it.
Needless to say, I hate April 1st. I have succeeded in convincing my mom that I cannot mentally handle jokes/pranks/tricks and she has behaved for many years, but that doesn’t stop me from thinking THIS will be the year she reverts to her Old Ways. Every year, for several days leading up to April Fool’s Day, at varying levels of hysteria, I beg her not to do anything.
I am never alert enough to anticipate things – from my mom, or anyone else. I know that it is April 1st, but because I have the memory of Dory the fish from Finding Nemo, I instantly forget. I am “on guard” for two minutes, then I forget to be on guard, and then I am a shiny, open target. And then I will believe anything anyone tells me and not think “Oh, I should be wary of crazy stories or extreme situations because today is April 1st and I know this and therefore I question everything”. Nope. I will believe. EVERYTHING.
Fred and George Weasley would target me SO BAD at Hogwarts.