I collect quotes from random conversations, whether or not I am a part of that conversation.
Some of the major players are:
Ken – my dad
Mo – my mom
Maggie and Emily – my nieces (at varying ages in terms of the quote timeline)
Friends/Coworkers – Josh, Jessica B, Jessica J, Xena, Chris, Christine, Queen B, Steve
While playing a game
Darcy: Name a cold place.
Ken: Ham sandwich
Everyone: What??
Ken: A cold plate!
Josh: My family was in the Holocaust. Happy Halloween!
Darcy: The diagnosis was an anal explosion
Josh: I feel like that’s some kind of big gay party in Chicago
Darcy: It’s weird that you’ll watch Wonder Woman and not the Marvel superheros.
Ken: I don’t like those unrealistic things
Darcy: An invisible airplane is realistic?!
Ken: Well, she’s not on it that much
Ken: This is about Aaron Hernandez, I thought he was a baseball player, but he was a football player, and he had a real problem with killing people
Chris: Eat your chipotle and get yelled at, no extra beans.
Jessica B: When I was little and wanted to be a cage dancer, my name was going to be ginger snap
Darcy: You’re like a doctor, aren’t you?
Josh: Umm, I’m like a hypochondriac
At a Cleveland baseball game
Maggie (coworker, not niece): I hate thinking about everything I’ve done
Christine: I feel like everything my dad did when I was a kid makes sense now
Darcy: So many things smell like I want to eat them
Darcy: Why does he just keep running?
Christine: He got a home run, Darcy
Steve: Meat and cheese, that’s all I need. That, and a blood thinner.
Darcy: I like your pelican. Your penguin?
Josh: It’s a penguin. A penguin!? For fuck’s sake, it’s a flamingo.
Maggie (niece, not coworker): Is this what being an adult is like? “Yay I got a composter”?
Maggie: (doing predictions as Professor Trelawny) You will own and operate a semi successful bakery.
At a Green Day concert
Dude: Billie Joe got crabs from a hotel in Europe.
Darcy: I’m pretty sure that’s not how that works.
Girl: Yeah, like getting gonorrhea from riding a tractor in a bathing suit.
Xena: I do have real mercury at home though
Darcy: Do you lick it?
Xena: Yes, what do you think I do when I go home. I have mercury, am I expected not to lick it?
Chris: Tell me about your average day. If you were a horse, who would you let ride you?
Xena: When you’re in a pool, there will always be urine and fecal material and bugs and other gross things.
Darcy: This is why I never leave my house.
Xena: “Doctor-so tell me, why did your agoraphobia start? Darcy “because people pee in the pool”
Darcy: I am literally walking around with an egg under my boob, trying to hatch it
Christine: Darcy…what the actual fuck is your life?
Darcy: It’s national penguin day, you know.
Mo: Oh why didn’t anyone tell me? I would have done something
Karyn: I’m not good at math
Darcy: You’re an accountant!
Karyn: I don’t do head math!!
Steve as Darcy: I can’t sleep without Moose Moose
Steve as bartender: What’ll you have?
Steve as Darcy: A double goose goose
Mo: Why did they give LeBron a standing ovation?
Emily: Because he’s LeBron
Mom: But what did he do?
Maggie: He showed up
Maggie, at age 11, about Billie Joe Armstrong: He’s creepy, and it’s not the guy liner. It’s the way he stares into your soul and knows all of your darkest secrets.
Mo: Did you smell that someone had something that smelled funny in the movie theater?
Ken: It was so loud, I can’t smell anything under those conditions