I have a lot of fears. A lot of people have a lot of fears, but I am one of the legit, lifelong, this is truly a life interrupting issue for me, People with Fear. I am a grown ass adult, I can make fun of myself for most of them now, but the truth is that they have all, ridiculous though they may be, have been debilitating at some point in my life.
With all that in mind, it is totally ok to laugh at me – I do, and there is no reason other people shouldn’t.
I have a lingering, less intense now than it was in my early 30’s, fear regarding the Mexican Cartel. Not a fear of the people, or the organization, or the damage they can do – but of accidentally joining and not realizing it. I went through a very intense period of time where I would limit leaving the house because of this fear of accidentally joining the cartel, and all of the consequences that would happen as a result. I cannot send someone a decapitated head on the back of a turtle to send a message, I just can’t.
To be fair, I have joined a lot of things without meaning to, and/or without realizing it. One time I was on the phone with my credit card company (this was before the internet existed in such a way that allows me to not use the phone at all), at a time when I was REALLY BAD with credit cards – so I was most likely saying something like “Please stop charging me fees for just like, a minute, so I can catch up?” or “I swear I plan on paying on this at some point”. At the end of the call, they said they were going to transfer me to John, who had an offer for me. I stayed on the phone because I was too polite to hang up. Within 5 minutes, I had paid $300 to go to a conference in Florida regarding timeshares. I had no idea what it was, I had no intention of going to it, and I kept forgetting to cancel it.
Another time I was trying to find a new Prescriber of Anxiety Pills because mine quit or retired or moved or something. I found one, went to my first appointment, and somehow got enrolled in fat camp. I came out with anxiety pills, but also an appointment for a blood test of some sort, a nutritionist, a trainer, and a group that meets to talk about being fat together. This time the internet DID exist in such a way that I could back out of all of that with just an email, so obviously I did. I think I must black out and agree to things, because I had no idea how that happened.
Back to the cartel – I do not see a therapist regularly even though I probably should, but when things like this come up, I will go see a therapist until the fear is lower on The List. Whichever therapist I saw (there have been many) was able to logically point out how I could not possibly accidentally join the cartel, and she did this by having me make a list of things I know, and things I am pretty sure of without having to look up.
- I know the cartel speaks Spanish and (I am pretty sure) operates out of Mexico
- I know that I do not know any Spanish and live in Ohio, so it is very unlikely I would be chatting with someone and accidentally join, since I cannot speak the same language
- I know I am a short, fat, white woman
- I know I have never seen any movies or tv where there are short, fat, white women in the cartel, so I am pretty sure that doesn’t happen
- I know I have never been involved in any drug purchasing from people I don’t know, who could potentially be in the cartel, resulting in me joining
- I know that I hate hot, dry climates and that drug lords operate in the south, or at least New Mexico, where Breaking Bad took place – and not only do I hate the weather, I am scared of most of the things in the Southwest states, so I would never go there
There was more to the ultimate list that got me out of this fear, but those were some main points that I remember.
So that is what I was thinking about tonight, but that was the end.
Darcy